![]() With all due respect, sir, why’d it take you so long to get your first command? Ah. Secondly, captain, Terry told me you caught the disco strangler. You know what my favorite thing about stakeouts is? Patrol guide says ‘no dress code.’ So I’m just the zip-up hoodie and my two best friends. “Well, I, for one, am just pumped to be on a stakeout with you, captain. Testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately. But I was digging through these files– one of which I literally found in a spider web– and it turns out there were a bunch of references to a Serbian thug, street names ‘the rat’ and ‘the butcher,’ who’s known to hang out at a storage unit near Boerum Park, which has red soil, hence, the muddy red footprint on Morgenthau’s counter. Anyway, I think I got something good here. Have fun with your face! Slam! That was a slam.” - Jake Peralta Yeah, you know what, I will have fun with my files. will you please tell the captain how dumb it is to lock his best detective in a file cabinet? Wow. “Is he seriously assigning me to the records room? I mean, why do we even have a records room? Computer’s been invented, right? I didn’t dream it? Sergeant, you know me. And… a little spoon there for you.” - Jake Peralta Boyle, get the door! Ratko! Oh! Ow! Ha ha ha! I’m getting mad! Charles! How are you still here? I got him! I got him! Don’t worry!” - Jake Peralta NYPD! Everyone down! Ma’am, if you could just get down, or… ignore me and continue shopping. Look, I’m doing this with you right here. Does that sound familiar? Uh, maybe some role play will jog your memory? Great idea. You know they were worth a lot of money, so you tried to steal them from him when he wasn’t home. He came in here and tried to sell you some hams. Well, why don’t I run a scenario past you, Ratko, and you tell me what you think? You do know Morgenthau. ![]() You recognize this guy? Henry Morgenthau? Maybe actually look at the picture. We’ll brief him after we catch the guy.” - Jake Peralta Is there a place nearby the crime scene that sells it? Let’s go. The perp left a really expensive TV but then stole ham? It doesn’t make sense. I was gonna ask you if you thought I was doing too much manscaping, but we solved that one. Wait, you hooked up with him? Ugh! Oh, actually, sir… I’m wearing a tie right now. “And what’s worse, Santiago struck out with a 92-year-old. Police! Open up! Oh! Hello, sir! How are you today? I am detective right-all-the-time, and this is my partner detective terrible detective.” - Jake Peralta Do you think it’s the same dude that left that bong there on the floor? Police! Hello. He’s got like super hearing.” - Jake Peralta ![]() Better contact captain Holt, let him know we got a ten-tie situation. $6,000 for a ham? Wow, that’s a great story, Charles, thank you. Secondly, your rabbi is a pain in my ass. Okay, first of all, when you use the word ‘Rabbi,’ you know that turns me on and that’s unfair in the work environment. Now everyone be sure to put those on because it’s impossible to solve crimes unless you’re wearing a tie. “Okay, so the perp came in through the window, left the muddy red footprint, and apparently had sex with the dish rack. “Hey, man, you okay? You look a little jumpy. Fire extinguisher roller chair derby? Yeah!” - Jake Peralta Oh, actually, the last captain didn’t care if we wore ties. ![]() I think I said some joke about being a washed up pencil pusher. What’s your point? Sorry, dude… but this new guy’s gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher who’s only concerned with… following every rule in the patrol guide. I just wish captain McGintley never left, he was the best. Body was found by the cleaning lady, during her interview, I deduced, using expert detective work, that she had something extra gross on her chin. Earlier this morning… someone decided to shoot and kill luxury food importer Henry Morgenthau. I will! Yeah! Good news for all you murder fans. So, Santiago, would you do the honors? Ah, yeah. Detective Santiago! Don’t walk away from me!'” - Jake Peralta I haven’t known the touch of a woman in many moons. I’ve been undercover so long, I’ve forgotten who I am. No, I got here five minutes before you and I figured that in this gigantic electronics store, there had to be at least one working camera. We’re looking for three white males, one of whom has sleeve tats on both arms. Uh, detective… I already solved the case. Or actually, ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. I’m doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy, the man in the white hat. Detective Jake Peralta and his fellow law-enforcement compatriots preside over the 99th precinct outside of Brooklyn, New York.
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